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Law School Drop Out June 25, 2007

Posted by bebenibadoodles in Bitches and Brats.
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I dropped out of law school just a month away from the final exam just because i was so disturbed by the sight of my seatmate that i could not understand the provisions of the law even if i try to digest all the cases that my professors assign to us. They say it is meant to give us a better understanding of the true spirit of the law.

I managed to survive the roller coaster ride of being a law student. It is perhaps my greatest achievement in this lifetime.

Oftentimes, dabebe tells me that I enrolled in law school just because i wanted to watch over him. Partially, that is exactly what i wanted to do, but i had reasons deeper and better than that.

I wanted to prove something, but to this day, i still have no idea what i wanted to prove then. Maybe it is just because i wanted to do and try something different.

For those two years of studying what goes on in the mind of the legislators in my country, i could have finished my Master’s Degree in Psychology had i enrolled in the graduate school instead.

But there is no regrets here. I am more than happy to have been in law school and learned all those latin words and phrases.

Hey, i may not have mastered the provisions by heart like we were expected to, but at least i acquired a second language. That could serve as enough bargain, don’t you think?

But as i look back, it seems that for those two years of my life i did not actually finish anything.

I started everything but ended up with nothing. It was like jumping from one activity to the next and never actually watching it through completion.

One thing i could be proud of that i went to law school is that i was able to pass a few subjects and actually getting a high grade in one of them.

Getting a decent grade in law school is being like the suma cum laude during your college graduation.

Then again, i may not have finished the course, but i could be proud to say that my batch mates are graduating next year and will be taking their bar exams on September 2008.

Alcoholic Demons June 25, 2007

Posted by bebenibadoodles in Bitches and Brats.
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I was one hell of a bitch last night, well at least not as bitchy as i would have wanted to or my stupid neighbor who was too drunk to even think straight would have sobered up at the flash of an instant.

There is something about drunk men, the thought of drinking and the sight of liquor that drives me to the brink of insanity.

I grew up with an alcoholic at home. An alcoholic who would run amock when alcohol starts to numb that part of the brain that controls all of human rational thinking.

Every night and day of my childhood was haunted by the terror and grief of trying to survive and hoping that i would be lucky enough to see the sun the next day.

As vivid as i can recall, everything started in third grade. When darkness falls, i would be alert on my toes to try to find a way to hide myself and my siblings while my mom stayed at home, in the dark corners of the house observing the situation…

She had to protect the family by not allowing dada to kill himself with the gun while he is so drunk he is no longer aware of what he is doing.

While i, the eldest would scramble into the darkness carrying my baby brother and my younger sister to safety. We were at the mercy of neighbors and strangers.

I remember the details of how the inside of my neighbor’s house looks like because we have practically slept in all of them.

Whenever we run away like refugees of the war, i could not help but feel extreme pity for myself and for my family. At the same time, it comes with the envy that other children my age are enjoying a warm bed and the comfort of being with sober parents.

Now, these stupid good for nothing neighbors are bringing me back to those years of haunting and fear.

It is not fair… i have been running away from home as far away as i can just to protect myself from the helpless feeling of not being able to protect myself from the trauma and the fear alcohol gives me.

I am trying to live a new life… i want a life where i can be comfortable and free to be my own skin but it seems uneasy to run away from the horrors of the past.

For years, my dreams have been haunting me. I would wake up in the middle of the night, shaking from the fear of what i thought was real. 

I have long left the shadow of near extinction, but despite the years that passed, my mind refuses to shut down on the memories and it keeps on haunting my dreams.

I wish they would just totally ban the production and use of alcoholic beverages.  

Maybe in this time or the next, i will still be cringing at the thought of someone getting drunk be it someone close to me or my stupid neighbors but i will no longer be that young girl, running for her family’s life.

I am fighting this time and no one can make me run away again…

I Am Getting Married! June 23, 2007

Posted by bebenibadoodles in Getting Married.
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For the longest time, i have always been proud of my family name. It is the ultimate symbol of my uniqueness and superiority. It has become a mind game of guessing how to properly pronounce it, and mind you it has been mispronounced 99% of the time.

In approximately 5 months and 22 days all these will change. I will have to get used to my new family symbol… that of my husband and future children.Changing my name will have to mean changing everything from wardrobe to lifestyle.

Am i ready?

I honestly do not know.
Changing my family name will mean pregnancy, children and added responsibility to my already full time carrer of putting things in perspective lest i lose my bread and butter.
I sit here on a Friday evening wondering how December 15, 2007 will change my life.

I am hopeful, excited and looking forward to a meaningful family life.

This time, it is my turn to make or break someone else’s life.

I’d be a Wife… a Mother… i’d be everything and more that my parents have been to me.

Above all, i will give the best of whatever i could possibly be for my family…

This time, it is my family…

I am excited… Finally!!!