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family constellation July 30, 2007

Posted by bebenibadoodles in All In The Mind.

We all belong to one unique universe that defines our personality in more ways than we can imagine.  No, i am not about to discuss the position of the planets or the discovery of one more heavenly body that has been named after God Knows Who.

I grew up in a very small family but when the sibling rivalry sets in, our parents usually tell us that it feels as if they have 10 kids rather than 3.

There are only 3 kids in the family and we are spaced really far from each other, for reasons i would not want to know. We have a very ideal family set up as MyBadoodles would always say… and yes we do indeed!

When you talk about the family constellation, we fit in perfectly. When we say family constellation, we don’t talk about the stars and the planets. We talk about the most basic unit of a couples existence… it talks about us… the children!

I sometimes don’t understand the way my siblings behave, but it is not also like i totally understand my own.

The constellation refers to only 4 kinds of persons: The only child (the spoiled), the eldest (the authoritarian), the middle child (the rebel) and the youngest (the boss).

Where you fit in the society and how you behave depends on the way you have been reared, but most of all, it also depends on your birth order in your family.

I am the eldest of 3 children and true to being the eldest i am the most hardheaded. I want things done my way when, where, how and why i want it to happen. Bebe usually calls me an Obsessive – Compulsive, but if we look at it differently, it is just a manifestation of me being an eldest child and him being the youngest.  Since the eldest has been the only child for sometime, the birth of the second child usually brings trauma and they often grow up feeling like they have been neglected by the world.  To which Bebe usually says: Oh ayan, nag iinarte ka na naman! Can i help it if i am freaking insecure when it comes to attention?

Now, enough about me. Let us talk about my beautiful sister who is everything i am not! That’s in a good way. She’s really fair skinned, with soft curly brown hair… she’s pretty! But she thinks she is a boy trapped in a girls body… not until she went to college and realized she was a girl all these years!

My sister and i never really got along well as kids. Maybe it is because middle kids never had the chance to experience the undivided attention that parents give to the first born and they end up living their life trying to surpass the eldest. But one thing that is really good about my sister is that she has always been my protector. She may not have succeeded at outracing big sister, but she sure found a way to shine brighter than i do… heck, that is why i left my family home so she can get the attention she deserves! She usually wants me out of our room and out of the house!

At home where i live, i am the Goddess, the queen in the eyes of MyBebe. But back home where my parents are, there is a king and his name is “Bunso.” Always the center of attention, the best in everything in the eyes of good old mom and dad. He is the family boss because he has his way of getting things done the way he wants them to and has always been Mama’s little boy although he now stands 6′ flat!

At the end of the day when all has been said and done, Ate and Bunso usually sit by the doorstep talking about life and all there is to being the bearers of the best position in the world…. that of the responsible, dominant and authoritative eldest and the ever spoiled bossy, but cute bunso!

In our case, i am acting more like the bunso and him as the eldest because when we are together i can shake off the responsibility and expectations of being an adult and i can just be me… a very childish eldest sister!

Ikaw, anong kwentong pamilya mo?


my silent witness July 25, 2007

Posted by bebenibadoodles in Getting Married.
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We are definitely moving out on Sunday and i could not help but feel a bit sad about leaving.  That house was the silent witness to the first of many things in my life.  It was where i first experienced the feeling of coming home to my own house, it was where i got the wedding proposal and the engagement ring, it was where we started adjusting to the highs and lows of each other’s personality and a lot more.

I could definitely say that it was the first property that i could ever call my own despite the fact that i am just renting it.

I moved in last September 2, 2006 at around 2:00 in the afternoon.  Moving in meant moving with nothing but clothes and lots of courage.

My first night found me in between tears and self pity. I had no bed… no plates… no appliances… all i had was an old comforter that was given to me by a St. Paul of Chartres Sister for my birthday. I felt like the baby Jesus that night.  The only consolation was that i had a comforter and not hay to sleep on.

My Badoodles has not yet decided to move in then because he was complaining that it was hot and he needed to have an electric fan if he were to move in.

The first few days was a period of adjustment as i had to sleep on the floor with only my comforter to keep me warm in the night. Back home where my parents live, i had a nice warm bed and huge pillows that accompany me in my sleep… every comfort i used to have were gone!

Is this the kind of life i deserve… the kind of life i can afford… i would often ask myself during those days.

However, despite the discomfort there is a very strange feeling inside me. I was happy and content!

My badoodles moved in October 15, 2007…

By then, i had an electric fan, but still no bed. We had a makeshift bed made of rubber mats which we bought for a hundred pesos per set.  By December of the same year, we were able to purchase our first appliances, but still no bed.

January 2007… finally a bed! We bought the king size air bed. The biggest we could ever find and afford.

What about the rubber mat? Oh, we still have it in the tv area. It is a reminder of our humble beginning so that someday when life becomes better, we will not forget the sacrifices we went through to be where we are now…

I will be cleaning our first nest ever for the last time on Saturday… i feel sad… irrationally sad that we will be moving out!

Tonight i will be taking pictures of every wall, room and corner… so that when i feel like going home i will know where to go.

Moving into the new apartment is another chapter. I would like to believe that this is a symbol that we have adjusted well and are moving on to another phase of our life as a couple…  

who is afraid of growing up? July 25, 2007

Posted by bebenibadoodles in Mental Detour.
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Amidst all the hussle and bussle of human existence i realized last night that i am a grown up equipped with all the pressures and responsibilities of being an adult… and i am scared!

I have been on my own, independent and free from all parental authority for the past 8 years and i must admit that i have been enjoying every moment of my unlimited freedom.

It was through this independence that i learned how to live on my own and be responsible for my own behavior. After all, if i’d get drunk and end up in jail for being reckless along the way, there will be no one to bail me out because my parents are miles and miles away.

You see, my family have always been very protective of me. Curfew meant 5:00 in the afternoon and going home late meant reaching the house at anytime beyond the curfew limit.

Friends were school acquiantances and i was not even allowed to go their house for an overnight girl bonding.

But i was happy with my set up. Social life meant going to school and going home after school… that was just about everything there was to my colorful life and i was just fine with it.

After college, i cast myself far from home. So far that no one could reach me and i can do what i want with my life.  I am going to party till the break of dawn, i will get so drunk i can no longer remember where i am, i will do everything i was not allowed to do and it will be fun.

Then settling into my freedom, i realized that i had to pay the price.  I did go home at dawn because i had to finish my work until the wee hours of the morning, i did get drunk and totally intoxicated by the desire to get a vacation and really enjoy it…

Life did not change after all.

Independence means struggling to survive by looking for decent means to pay the bills. It takes more than just a responsibility to be an adult i realized.

Today i am cast in the cross road of life. I hold a position in the company where i work. My position means making more decisions than i can handle in a day.

I still miss the parental authority that gave me the feeling of home… sometimes i wonder how it would have been for my parents to still be responsible for all the decisions i make in life.  Maybe, just maybe life will not always be as tough!