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when i said “I DO” January 28, 2008

Posted by bebenibadoodles in wifey and hubby.
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There is something magical about wedding rings and wedding vows that i could not quite understand. When i was 8 and one of my female cousins got married, i remember clearly how i cut by own bangs after being told that i was not a part of the entourage. Mama was frantic then because i cut it really short and there is nothing any one can do to have it fixed. I at least have pictures to go with it though.

I am a hopeless romantic… always making sure that the needs of the people i hold dear to me are met even before i consider splurging on my own luxuries in life.  After all, i will have better chances to enjoy them in heaven.

We commemorated our 8th year anniversary as a couple last January 26. This day has always been significant to me and each year, i look forward to the chance to add one more year to our journey as a couple.  We have come this far….

The number 8 is a special character because it symbolizes infinity.  For the sentimental monkey that i am, this year has a very special implication.  It extends beyond human rationality but i like to be mushy about this year anyway.

We were celebrating 2 special moments in the same month: January 15 marked our first month as a Marital Couple and January 26 our 8th Anniversary as Best Friends. I went through all 8 years treating him not just as my Boyfriend, but as the one person i have shared all my glories and failures with.

He sees me as his Goddess and oftentimes refers to me as “mala diyosa”, which i greatly enjoy. But heaven forbid, i was in a state of unexplainable tantrum from the moment i woke up in the morning of January 26 until the time i fell asleep in the evening.

If you have seen a 4 year old going crazy —- then you probably have seen the way i behaved. You would probably want to ask why.

I wanted all the attention i could get from the moment i woke up to the time i went to sleep in the evening but i did not get that.

Result —– a very crappy bebe. I wanted to go and have myself admitted in the Psychiatric Ward then. Just for the day until my mood returned to normal.

That was all i was asking for —- attention that is all mine for just one day!

Well anyhoot, the frenzy of January 26 has already mellowed and i am back to my old still not normal state of mind.  I still want to be crappy around my husband a little just to get the hang of being a wife gone crazy.

I sit here not wishing that our celebration would have been different. If for anything, despite the fact that things did not go as i wanted it to be on that day, i still admire MyBebe for putting up with my mood swings and for the comfort of just having him around despite the fact that i was sending and figuratively pushing him away.

We are 8 years and counting.  So much has changed from that fateful day when our paths crossed in the year 2000.  We started as individuals hoping to be accepted into the other person’s life and now we are one person living the same life and hoping to still he holding each other’s hand until the twilight of our years.

I know in my heart that when i asked the Lord to lead me into the married life with you in it, saying “I DO” was the best act of obedience i have ever put myself into.

For all the years that passed and for all the years to come, with tantrums or not, whether i be sane or insane… please love me like you have always done from the day we met and for the rest of all our days.

separation anxiety January 16, 2008

Posted by bebenibadoodles in wifey and hubby.
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Life’s lessons are really hard to learn, much more accept and adjust to the varying circumstances of everyday living.  I live the fast paced life.  Everyday, i go out into the world expecting for something exciting and different to come my way.

Recently, i have been fussing about getting pregnant really soon.  I have memorized all the hard and fast rules on pregnancy symptoms that i could find on the internet. Mind you, i could explain all the details even when i am asleep.  After all the information that comes handy over the net.

Then it came…. that dreaded menstruation that shattered all traces of hope, anticipation and expectations that i have held onto dearly.

What happened? Was it because i have been fussing over all the mess at home the other night and spent a good 2 hours tidying up everything, carrying boxes here and there and pushing all those heavy stuff around just to get them where i want them to be.

Or it is really just the time of the month and all those reading and browsing through the internet was giving me false expectations.

Whatever it is… i am just so disentangled right now. I made myself believe and feel something that is not yet happening in the first place. 

But then again… this is one more chance to realize that i could not and should not be dictating the course of nature. True, i have been praying for my miracle of life, but my prayer has been more like a demand rather than a petition.

I refuse to wait…. Dear God i want it now!

And this attitude is all wrong…. God does not always say yes to everything i want in life, but he sure made me wait for better alternatives for what i want.

But waiting makes me doubt. And when i start to doubt – i fuss over whatever science and the human explanation can offer.  But God has better plans and i get frustrated.

Then after the frustration…. i come back to my center and surrender: “Okay Lord, i know. In your hands i commend my spirit.  At the end of all my impatience, let not my will but yours be done.”

This is a tried and tested surrender which i have done so many times in the past, yet there are more times in life when i would rather dictate than surrender. Then when i am tired of controlling – i sit back and pray: “Let not my will, but yours be done. Amen.”

settling down, settling in January 12, 2008

Posted by bebenibadoodles in Workaholic Bebe.
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Life has brought me a long way down the road of life since my first Career as the High School Guidance Counselor.  I have been browsing some old pictures of my “peers” aka former high school students when the sudden rush of emotion filled me…. i miss them!

I have practically seen these kids from elementary to high school and to college.  Some of them are already profesionals in their own field of specialization.  One of them is also into Politics.

For some reason, i take great pride in what these kids have become because in those times when they were young and trying to build their dreams i was one of their solid foundations.  True, my profession during those years was not enough to cover my daily living expenses, but the sheer joy of being able to touch lives was more than enough.

During our conversations at home, the idea of my lifetime dream of teaching pre school toddlers often spark into what i feel is a very lovely and fulfilling discussion.  However, at this point in time when returning to the academic scene requires an advance diploma, i may as well just enjoy my life in the corporate world.

I have tried enrolling in Master’s Degrees both in Guidance and Counseling and Psychology, but it just does not appeal to me to be going back the the classroom and listening to what has already been discussed to me in college.

You see, i get bored with routinary tasks and i have this tendency to flee at the most unexpected moment… just because i want to. How childish!

To solve the problem of not being able to die with an advanced diploma, the next thing i knew, i was already reading and reciting provisions of the law in front of my Legal Professors.  How many times have i been chewed alive in Criminal Law… i could barely count!

I faired well in my Property Law and Obligations and Contracts though.

My ambitions are sky rocketing, but getting another degree is definitely not one of them.  But there is only one thing i wish to do just before they start digging my grave – i will be a Pre School Teacher no matter how long i will have to wait.