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crashed heart for an unhealed soul March 18, 2008

Posted by bebenibadoodles in Mental Detour.
10 comments

I stormed the heavens with my petition for a baby throughout the month of February.  Just when i had what i asked for… i lost it!

The loss is more devastating for the pregnant woman than it would ever be for her partner.  Daddies grieve for the loss, but not as much as the mother would.  After all, it is the woman who has gone through the major anxieties of watching her body change in preparation for the baby.

Although unprepared, afraid and uncertain,  i had an almost sure feeling that someone is on the way to complete our family, though there were more times than i could count that i have been so ambivalent and more often than not, incapable of coping with the changes that i felt inside and in what i saw in the mirror with each new day.

I grieve the loss of what could have been and more.  The past weeks saw me undergoing one test after the other to rule out possible complications, but it is all so pointless.  There is nothing to save and i still feel like a science experiment being studied by high school students.

Waiting for the result of my scans and laboratory diagnosis were like waiting for the clerk of court to tell me that i am being sent to the death chamber.  I have lost a baby at five weeks.  Others have lost at a longer gestational period, but what the heck, early or not, the feeling is just the same.

No matter how i wallow into sadness and regret, i can only accept the circumstance and move on.  I hold on to the promise of a healthier pregnancy in the future.  This time, i know better and i have a more profound understanding of my body. 

The next time i notice my body parts enlarge uncontrollably and i begin to feel like an ugly monster, i will know exactly what to do, but for now, i have a heart and soul to heal in preparation for more challenges that may need a tougher me in the future. 

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we were pregnant March 17, 2008

Posted by bebenibadoodles in wifey and hubby.
3 comments

Marriage changes so many things in a womans life.  Or should i say marriage changes everything in a woman’s life.

It does not end with saying “I DO” and adopting your Hubby’s name and then jumping onto the band wagon of the women who hyphenate their Family name to include that of their husbands. 

Getting married means more than referring to your boyfriend as Husband and adding the term Mrs. to your name.  I still prefer to be called Miss though. 

For the past 3 months that we have been married, we had to deal with nosey people who keep asking whether we have a Kutitot on the way and as we have agreed, we would just say, “Not yet, but it will come.”

February was a very busy month for both of us but that did not stop me from hoping that this month would be the time when we could announce to our family and to the blogging community that we are pregnant.

And now that March has come and the summer season is starting to fry our brains dry, it is official… we were pregnant last February.

Now i understand why:

  • I sent my staff all the way to Makati for an Indian Mango
  • I kept telling our caterer to serve Banana Que for dessert
  • Asked Badoodles to buy me just 1 piece of bread from the bakery and did not eat it because he bought 3 different types of bread
  • Request for cookies and cream at 11pm

Those were just a few of the crazy moments.  Aside from the incessant crying for no reason and for being ill tempered at everyone. I also went through the very crucial moment of being caught unprepared for the load ahead.

I want to be a pregnant so bad and i would give up everything good about my career to be a full time Mom despite the times in the past when i said that i will never be a housewife.  But there was one particular evening when i was wide awake at 1:00 in the morning and wondering if i would be ready for the more complicated responsibility that lies ahead.  And for the first time in my life i was just so afraid.

A few days later, a life changing moment dawned on us and i never thought that in times of adversary when i am faced with the fear of my own extinction and the loss of a life i have been trying to protect, i would be able to take a stand.

March 3… i started to spot. 

I knew then that something was up.  By March 4, i was at the Gyne who crashed my heart to pieces when he told me that the Pregnancy Test is Negative and sent me for Ultra Sound.  Tell me, what is the use of Ultra Sound when i got a negative pregnancy test in the first place?

Toward the end of the day i was having terrible abdominal cramps that would not go away.  By March 5, i had a miscarriage.

Today, we went back to the Hospital to get the pregnancy test report for the supposed negative test the Gyne announced on March 4.  Turns out, the test is Positive.

I am going through a very rough and emotional time as of the moment.  A lot of “what if” and “what may have been” are running through my mind.  But for the time being, all these thoughts are all i have.

Indeed, experience is the best teacher.  As my new Gyne has told me last night, this is not yet the end of time.  I may have lost, but somehow, i should still be happy at the reality of having been able to conceive.

This i could say is the turning point of my life.  I have been devoting too much time and attention to my career, forgetting along the way that i have a body to take care of and to prepare for conception.  This is not yet the end of the road.

Marriage changes everything and a lot more than i have ever have imagined in my entire life. Now i understand why a lot of the successful and highly ambitious women i know allowed their career to take a back seat and focus on starting a family.

Your career can take you to places you have never been to and allows you to explore your abilities beyond the limits of human imagination, but only family life and having your own children could put the contentment and satisfaction into your life.

Now i know better.  I may not be the best Wife and Mom this world could see, but for my family, i shall try to be perfect and be the best they would ever have.   

tangled like a tentacle March 10, 2008

Posted by bebenibadoodles in Mental Detour.
3 comments

Have you ever wondered what you like would be when all the highlights of your youth, career and relationships eventually fade?

Just as we come into the world alone, so must we depart on our own.

I enjoy being in the company of myself at times.  Those moments when it feels as if there is no other way out of life’s routinary duties than the fantasy of being in a world of complete abandonment.

Last night, as Badoodles and I were just starting to settle into the usual Sunday evening after purchasing the weeks supply of groceries and packing them away to start with our dinner rituals, i had to rush to the office to check my emails and in the holy goodness of fate, it turns out that i missed to check for my trainer’s plane ticket bound to Cagayan De Oro the next day.

 It is quite easy to blame the ticketing office for the negligence since i have issued the request and the approval for the ticket a week earlier.  However, it is still a fault on my part since i did not review my schedule before i called it a week last Friday.

I was on my toes for a good two hours trying to coordinate with the Cagayan De Oro Sales Team and the Trainer as well. 

Maybe i am just blessed that the people i had to talk to were kind hearted enough to cooperate with my requests and the cancellation of the training schedule.

Badoodles reminded me again that i am holding a very sensitive position in my company and i could not afford to commit any mistake.  Yes, even the slightest of mistake means a gravity of consequences on my part.

I realized after the series of calls i have to make that life can’t go on like this for the rest of my life.  We are planning to start a family within the year and that means more changes than i could ever imagine in this life.

Finally, i would like to believe that it is true…. motherhood does change a lot of things.

Yes, including the way i look at life.  Somehow, i will have to let my career give way to be able to enjoy the benefits of a happy family life.  I am looking forward to being a fulltime wife and mother.  It is not going to be an easy transition, but changes come and i welcome everything with open arms.