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breaking hearts mending souls April 28, 2008

Posted by bebenibadoodles in Mental Detour.

What does it take to make a person happy?

It took me a good four years of college to understand human behavior, but it seems that the more i understand, the less i know. 

Life has taught me so many lessons in life and with each falling tear, i have learned to depend on my own capacity and the ability to survive even in the fiercest and most dangerous of situations.

I stand undefeated and unscarred by the many hostilities of this world… but when it comes to my family i am at my weakest.

If it seems to the world that i am most composed and readily assured of myself, that is just half of me peering into the unknown.  My career path has led me to responsibilities greater than i can imagine and to people who keep me fighting… but at the end of the day when darkness has covered the light… i see me!

I struggle to survive.  I come through each day hoping that tomorrow will be better.  I look around me and i am alone.  Yet I still believe… tomorrow will be better!


fears and cheers April 19, 2008

Posted by bebenibadoodles in Mental Detour.

Today is one of those few days where i have to return to my OB.  I do not get the reason why i have to meet with the Doctor more often now but there is just one thing i know… i am doing this alone and i am scared to death.

After the initial fear stress of trying to conceive, the sudden miscarriage and now the series of OB Meetings, i don’t have the slightest idea how i could survive the overwhelming anxiety that is building within me.

I am not scared of the Doctor… i don’t care about the diagnosis… i care more about the stress of submitting my body for examination every now and then… added factor is that i am going through all this stressful activities on my own.

Sometimes i wonder if i have been such a terrible person to have to go through these kinds of sacrifices.  I dread a lot of things more than i have ever did before.

For the longest time, i believed that i am intangible.  Nothing and no one can harm me.  And as such, i can be everything and anything i want to become… but i was wrong!

My Pregnant boss always checks on me… not because i am failing in my role as Administrator, but because i refuse to return to the doctor for my routine check up.  There was a time when she told me to drop everything at work and dragged me to the Doctor.

The miscarriage brought a lot of trauma.  I wish there is another way out of this unexplainable fear that incapacitates me when it is time to return for my tests.

But for now, i claim the courage to admit that i am afraid.  I will be at the Asian Hospital later today for another check up, but i have been jittery since last night.  But as Dr. Rebecca Singson says: Nothing lasts forever… not even my anxieties!

Tomorrow, there will be something more that i will be afraid of, but for now i will just have to be obedient and do as i am told.  For the Nth time, i am meeting my OB on my own.  It takes courage to be human, but it is more important to sacrifice if i want to be a Mom…

because the baby is now a lady April 10, 2008

Posted by bebenibadoodles in Mental Detour.

This has been the famous tag line behind the Johnson & Johnson’s commercial in the 80’s.  This decade has marked a lot of firsts in my growing up years.  My two siblings came in the years 1981 and 1988, both of which have considerably made a very important milestone in my personal development.

I grew up with Mama’s annoying reminder: “Wag mo patulan ang kapatid mo, wala pag isip yan.”

When they were young, in their elementary and high school years, such reminder was tolerable.  After all, i am older than both of them.  But that reminder has become Mama’s way of reminding me to be patient and used it way until their college years.

Come to think of it, these kids are more intelligent and well accomplished than i could do in a million years, but i have to endure the constant reminder that i have to be patient with them just because they are young.

Today, my Big little brother has headed for his first day of Corporate Life as an On the Job trainee in Ortigas.

Badoodles and i watched him and a friend prepare for the big day.  Clad in their extremely formal attire, they could readily be mistaken for big time professionals.

They are first timers in the Urban Jungle, but they have easily found their way to fit into the fierce Metro Manila crowd and i am very proud that the young boy i used to carry around in my youth has become a fine person who is ready to face the world.

My brother is a Six Footer.  But at the back of my mind he will always be the little boy who grew up under my care.  I saw him when he first took his baby steps because i was ever persistent to teach him to walk so that i wouldn’t have to carry him around forever.

I saw him transcend from childhood and now into adulthood.

I was there when he was deciding on what college degree would help him build a better future. I have seen him through practically a lot of experiences whether they be triumphs or his pending failures in life.

It is with pride and self assurance that i believe that this boy believes and trusts in my capacity to guide him.  He has faith in me.

I watched him leave the house this morning and head for the bigger world outside of his University Existence.  It is my fervent prayer that he will follow the footsteps his big sisters have set for him.  We have paved the way to a better life and have set the best examples for him to follow through.

Someday, he will encounter unruly elements in the work place. Not everyone will like him and he will not also like the people around him. But with each passing day, i pray that he shall always be guided with his decisions and to take the path that would lead him to a comfortable life.

Above all, i pray that he would be rich yet grounded to his faith.  Successful and remain to be the baby boy i used to take care of.