going badoodles

Happy April Fool’s April 1, 2008

I am overwhelmed with gratitude to the many friends who have expressed their sympathy and offered words of encouragement after the recent trial in our life as a married couple.

Today is the first day of April… April Fool’s Day.

Looking back, we should have been progressing into the glory of being future parents to a budding life.  But for the many times it has been said, i say it again: things happen for a reason.  I have spent the entire month of March trying to find an answer to that so called reason – but i did not find any.

But despite the fear and the anxiety this experience has caused, i have learned to look at life in a different and more mature perspective. Suddenly, i have realized that death is inevitable and it comes in the most subtle and unexpected of ways.

When i got married, i thought that i was adult enough to handle my decisions and commitments on my own.  But when i miscarried, i realized just how helpless and immature i am.

I fear for the future.  Shall i be as stable and responsible as i believe i am?

Every morning comes with a new hope, but each morning draws me further and further into life and adulthood.  My roles are complicating and my fears are escalating. 

After that fateful morning of March 5, i wanted to run back home… home with my mother and be nursed like she used to do when i was living with them.  I was just feeling so helpless and afraid that things might head for the worse.

March progressed through like a breeze and hell yes, i am still alive and on my toes.

The feeling of woe and and the unshakable fear of the unknown still haunts me from time to time, but i know better now… or perhaps i just know a little bit more. 

Life still continues to move on and i go with the flow.  Every day the challenges become more complicated.  I am a soul at rest, completely surrendering my fate to divine intervention.  Married life is not at all a box of my favorite goodies, but a handful of surprises that may trigger all the emotions that i have been hiding all these years.

Today i claim my fare share of happiness. I have grieved enough.  Pehaps, someday in my journey through life i shall find meaning in my search of reason.  But for now… i am just happy to still be here!