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Nuggets of Motherhood December 1, 2008

Posted by bebenibadoodles in infanticipation.

Pregnancy has always been a far fetched reality as far as i was concerned from the time i entered my teen years to the day i marched down the cathedral aisle in my wedding gown.

Call me a nerd, manang or just a conservative freak, but mind you i would have loved to be a Mom earlier than expected. 

It is just that i have a Mother who threatens to separate my head from my body if i ever changed the course of life she has projected me to lead.

Looking back, that intense fear and respect for her idealisms has been the guiding force that kept me on tract throughout my growing years despite the fact that i have always been hard headed, free willed and independently making my own decisions whether or not my parents or the people around me approved of whatever it is i wanted to do with my life.

image0111I am currently 33 weeks pregnant.  This is going to be the nth baby to be born in Badoodles family, but the first ever in mine.

Everyone is excited and infancitipating and blindly guessing who is the baby going to look like.

My Sister who is the most caucasian among the three of us is hoping that her first Pamangkin would have fair skin.  Never mind if the baby looks like anyone of us for as long as the skin is fair then she would admit it to be a Maguire otherwise, she will not be bringing home gifts when she comes for vacation next summer.

I enjoy watching every member of our family express their excitement and sheer joy at the blessing of having an addition to the family.  But what i look forward to the most is when the baby interacts with MyBebe as if they are able to communicate and truly understand each other.

Being a Daddy’s First Born myself, i couldn’t help but wonder if my own father was also as excited as my Badoodles when i was still in the womb.  I remember Mama telling me in high school that all the love and the first time experiences they underwent as parents is embodied in what i have become and as the eldest, i could claim a different kind of affection that is way different from the one they can provide for my Sister and Brother.

Naturally, that made my head swell so big it made me feel like i am the most important person in the world. Until i went to College, enrolled in Psychology and realized that the love a parent has for a child differs depending on a lot of factors.  My Professor once said: “You cannot give the same degree of love for every child.  You love them in different manners and for different reasons just because no two persons are exactly the same.”

One thing i regret about my growing up years is that sibling rivalry has been unconsciously wired in me and my sister’s brain.  We both grew up being compared by our Mother to someone else who is totally in a different league.  She was perpetually being compared to me because i could stay in one place for all of eternity because i was told to do so and i on the other hand would be compared to an older cousin who has always been a top achiever in class.

Now that we are both adults, we are desperately trying to shake off that stereotype that someone is always better and that we are in an endless contest of trying to convince ourselves and others that we are better and we can be our own person.

In a matter of 7 weeks, i will officially be a mother.  For the past eight months, i have been trying to figure out how on earth am i going to raise another person because the only way i know how to be a mother is through the examples i have seen in my own family.

Somehow, with the lessons i have stumbled upon through this life and the constant brainstorming with MyBebe about everything under the sun, i know i will be a Mother that my child would be proud of. 

Along the way, i vow to make a conscious effort to at all times be fair and just specially with matters that concern the child’s discipline and to never commit the mistake to reinforcing the evil of sibling rivalry and undue comparison.

Parenting is like going to school again only this time there is no formal instruction and the daily lessons come in the form of the baby’s developmental milestones.

There is nothing i can do about the life that i have lived under my parents custody, but still i can make a huge difference in the life of the child i have yet to meet.