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Bachelor of Science in Motherhood February 10, 2009

Posted by bebenibadoodles in Mental Detour.

Prior to getting married and being a Mom, it was a mind boggler how people could say point blank that they appreciate their mother more when they had kids themselves.  I just did not understand that…. and until now i still don’t.

Being a nutcase myself and a hardhead, i never really came to terms with what that meant.  So much like the same feeling i had at eight years old – wondering why my cousin had to get married and we had to deal with her husband all the time.  That frame of mind changed when i got married and understood how beautiful life is when you live everyday of your life with the person you love the most.

Mama has been my worst enemy while i was growing up.  She is a strict bull and has her way of getting things done the way she wants and not the way i want.  We clash often because of our conflicting ideologies.  I resorted to living far from home after college because i thought that was the best remedy for our head batting to end, but it did not.

While being my worst enemy, she is also my best friend and confidant.  Maybe i get enough of my share of pieces of advice that work wonders from her that i grew up never bothering to look for more stable best friends from my peers.  She has a unique wisdom that is distinctly her own.  Oftentimes, i find her answers to my questions ridiculous, but in the long run i end up following her anyway when i realize that she was right all along.

Being the eldest of the three children, we have a very queer bond that no matter how much stress she puts into my life sometimes, i still run to her for the wisdom and the peace her ideals bring into my life.

Tonight, i sit here wondering how much i resemble her ideals no matter how hard i try to stand in the crowd and make myself believe that i am a different person, away from the shadow of my mother.  But the truth is, no matter how hard i try to step away, the more i realize that i am every bit like her and in more ways than one, i would like to imbibe the same spirit and discipline that she firmly held on while rearing me and my siblings.

Along the way, our little princess may hate me – much like the love – hate relationship i have of my mother, but i pray that somehow at the end of the day she would come to realize that like my Mama, i only want what’s best for her.

It is not going to be an easy road out there.  Children nowadays are more prone to various influences.  When i think of the struggles my parents had to deal with while we were growing up, being a new mother scares the courage out of me. 

Rearing children, girls specially in the province is not an easy task.  It requires patience, dedication and a lot of faith to be able to guide a child in the right path.  I grew up in the province where life is more laid back and technology is more conservative, yet my parents exerted their utmost effort to ensure that we don’t go astray.

Now that it is my turn to be a Mother – a lot of questions are playing in my mind. 

Will i be able to bear the same wisdom and courage that i have seen in my mother and would i be able to surpass her unique wisdom that has been passed on to her by experience rather than the formal education that today’s society requires.

Being a mother afterall, is not an issue of academic degree or scholastic achievement, but the wisdom that comes from the heart. 

Yes, i appreciate my mother more than i ever did before.  Yet, it does not mean that we have transcended from our love – hate relationship.  I will still hate her for many reasons, yet at the end of the day – i love my mother for being the tough woman that she is and for the wisdom that she has passed on to me.  It will be the same kind of tough love that i will be imposing on to my young family.

Afterall, raising children is something that is not taught in school.  It comes with the experience we get from the way we were reared by our own parents particularly our mother who take on the task of being their children’s Best Friend and Enemy rolled into one.


Baptism Of Fire February 2, 2009

Posted by bebenibadoodles in Family Life.
1 comment so far

image04222I emerge from this week’s experience with new found respect and appreciation for stay at home Moms.

Mama has been with me as early as 2 days before the D Day and has provided a very handy assistance with everything i needed from packing my hospital bag properly to helping me get a headstart on nursing my baby.

The first two weeks has been quite a breeze.  I had all the time in the world to be dependent and clingy on my mother like i have always been.  I have watched her single handedly take care of me and the baby with ease.

As i watched her, everything seemed easy.  She was able to cook meals on time, put the baby to sleep, watch tv, pamper me and all those sorts of things.  She was able to finish everything with no visible effort.

Then the unexpected….

My brother called Badoodles on a Monday morning.  My daddy is sick has has to be confined.  Mama had to return to the province and so I was left behind to take care of a two week old infant.

I will be fine, go on home and take care of Daddy – was my proud and confident assurance while she was getting her stuff ready.

In my mind, everything seemed easy…. i have seen her move from one chore to the other.  In my mind, I felt that if she was able to multi task, I can do better than that.

Reality can sometimes knock a hard head off a sturdy shoulder.  Everything seemed easy for my mother, but it took more than an effort for me.  I was alone with a two week old baby and a totally blank idea on how i would go about with the day to day responsibility of keeping my baby safe and helping my body to recover.

What seemed like an easy task while i watched my mother move from one chore to the other was a tremendous challenge that i had to face.  Then reality suddenly set in – I am officially a Mother and no longer Mama’s first born and Daddy’s Little Girl.  I now have a First Born and a little girl of my own whom i need to take care of.

There was a sudden feeling of fear and panic that enveloped me.  How am i to take care of this little angel on my own.  What kind of Mother am I going to be?  Mama has been my strong ally and worst enemy at the same time in all the years of my life, but despite our love – hate relationship, i have always been a Little Girl who is forever dependent on her for pieces of advice.

Watching her take care of Baebidoodles gives me the assurance that our Little One is in good hands and that the same set of values that has been my basis for being who i am today will be the same set that will be passed on to this little person.

However, with the past five days that i was left alone to immerse into the real deal of motherhood left me in a whirlwind of total lack of control over the day’s activities.  The first experience of being home alone with a two week old infant has taught me to let go of my obsession to be on top of every situation and just allow nature to take its course.

Motherhood is based on instinct… i remember from our Psychology lessons in College.  You don’t have to go through formal College education to be a Mother because when you are there, holding that sweet little thing – you will just know what to do.

Indeed, that is true.  And it is also true what Mama used to say – When you have a child, you lose all sense of control and balance.  The child takes over and you have no other recourse than to follow.

The past five days watched me go through the most challenging part of being human.  I had crackers, bread and water as my regular meal.  It is not because i am on diet, but because Baebidoodles does not want to be put down in her crib.  We had to go around the house with her in my arms from morning to evening. 

Washing soiled clothes was another sacrifice.  It takes me the entire day to finish washing a few pieces of clothes because everytime i put her down, she would cry and i would leave the clothes and rock her to sleep.

I spent all five days with tears and wishing that i would just have went home with Mama instead of being left alone with a child.  Everytime Badoodles would check on me, i would try so hard to pretend that everything is going well and that there is nothing to worry about.  The hardest part about pretending is when i know that he does not believe no matter how hard i try.

Finally, toward the end of the week, when my perineum is hurting like hell, i had to tell the truth…  A few more days of the same set up and i was sure to see my OB Gyne in the Operating Table, trying to re suture my still fresh wound.

I am not complaining and this is not Post Partum Depression.  It is just me, admitting to myself that sometimes – The Spirit is willing, but the body is weak.  This is the time to rest and take care of my body.  Carrying a human inside me for nine happy months can’t restore the same kind of health that i had pre pregnancy in just a few weeks.

I look at our little angel and i am just happy to have a beautiful person who now completes our little family.  Motherhood is another face of my life that i embrace with dignity and confidence.

Although i still have to be hypnotised in order for me to decide to give birth again – i will not trade my Baby’s smile for anything else in the world.  She is more precious than my own life.  Now i understand how my Mother would have felt when she had me.  Now i understand why i am loved more than my siblings. 

Because of last week’s humbling experience and the buckets of tears i cried in silence, i have learned to appreciate the value to letting nature take it’s toll and letting life flow without me trying to put everything in place just because i want to.  Sometimes, you just let things be and that will make you happy.